Would you pay a couple of million dollars to go see a few sporting events? Don't worry if you say you can't afford a pay up front. We've already thought of that and have devised an easy installment plan. You see, since there isn't anyone who can really afford to give us a million dollars outright (although a few Congressmen who have offered to write us a checks) we've devised an ingenious plan. You can pay in easy, 4¢ installments. And you know, you won't even notice the money leaving your pocket because we'll add it to the cost of mailing a letter. Yes, we're your Postal Service--and a proud sponsor of the 1992 Olympics Games.
Why sponsor the Olympics? Well funny you should ask--you know we had a Congressman inquire about that not too long ago when we were asking for our last rates increase. Well, the truth of the matter is that it's all just a "marketing strategy." We know that it involves hundreds of thousands of dollars of your money, but we think its a great idea, don't you?
We picked a great year to sponsor the Olympics. You see, this is the first year that professional basketball players from the NBA will be eligible to play on the U.S. Olympic basketball team. Isn't this wonderful? Not only will we be able to fool you into thinking we're really great people by sponsoring the events, but we'll also be able to help pay expenses for those poor, impoverished basketball players who have only a seven-figure income to support themselves. We consider it an act of charity for those needy players who struggle with the same things we do--putting food on the table, putting a roof over one's head, deciding whether to put the cellular phone on the dash of the BMW, or on the floor, and so on.
Now since we're paying for these helpless victims of poverty, we can't really afford to send you over to see the games that you are paying so much money for. We're sorry about that, but we'll make it up to you-- we'll allow you to watch them all on television. What's more, you'll also get to see our snazzy new commercials which will remind you again of what likeable, responsible, and ethical people we are for doing what we've done. Think of us the next time you reach into your pocket for a quarter and four pennies to buy a stamp. Oh, you know, we are sorry about making you dig up all those pennies, but we did try to change that. Just last week we tried to round it off to a nice even 30 cents, but the higher ups wouldn't let us. Sorry about that, but rest assured we'll keep trying. In fact, we're so committed to saving you from having to keep all that loose change around, that we won't stop until the rates are a nice even dollar. No need to thank us--just remember to support us in 1994, when we try to raise the postage once again.